Do you find yourself arguing all the time? Or do you find that you avoid arguments to avoid conflicts?
Communication is the cornerstone of all relationships. How you communicate is key. Do you know your own, personal communication style?
Do you want to sort everything out there and then? Do you avoid disagreements for fear of conflicts? If you both have different communication styles, this could lead to further complications within your couple.
The way to resolve such contrasting ways of being is compromise. Or gifts as I prefer to call them. Because, they are, after all, a gift to your partner. A gift of understanding or patience for example.
Communication
Communication is not just about our own personal style. The words we use are key. Do you use derogatory names towards one another or use your knowledge of your partner in order to hurt them? These can leave scars and make healing more difficult in your relationship.
Some couples come to me as they feel that their partners are overpowering as they shout in arguments and in the way that they communicate. Their partner can, at times, be bewildered as they feel they are just being spirited.
This miscommunication often lies in their ‘scripts’ or what influences they have had in their life to date. If they were brought up in a family where everybody needed to shout more loudly than each other in order to be heard, they may feel that it is perfectly natural to raise your voice when disagreeing with something.
Whereas a quieter family set up may instil a feeling that raised voices equal fear or aggression. Being aware of this is important and communicating your concerns and frustrations to each other will go a long way to dispel any misunderstandings between the both of you.
Bridge The Gap
If communication has broken down completely, you may wish to ‘bridge the gap’ and ask one need of each other. This needs to be very specific such as ‘I need you to talk to me in the same room rather than shout’. These needs are then manageable, bite sized bridges towards communicating in a healthier and more productive way.
The tone we use can be very impacting on the recipient. The same sentence can be said in several different ways. It could be delivered in a warm and friendly tone, with a sarcastic undertone or an angry, threatening one. Becoming aware of how we talk to one another and whether we listen, really listen, is key.
Listen as well as hear
Do you listen but are more focussed on your response rather than truly hear what is being said? If arguments have been part of your relationship for a long time, your defence systems may be up and you may therefore have already decided what is going to come out of your partner’s mouth before they have even started talking.
If you are struggling with communication, I can help you to reconnect, be able to talk to each other again and be heard by one another.
Contact me today: sabine@bayviewpractice.co.uk
